Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination..
These are the first few lines from my favorite song, What’s Up by 4 Non Blondes.
That’s for you, father. The father I never had the chance to meet. 25 years. Where are you? Do you even know that you have me? Do you have a slice of the idea that you have another daughter? Have I ever occur to your senses? If yes, why? Why did you let those 25 years un-connected with me? Why did you decide to throw all those years without knowing me? I would understand better if your answer is no.
So, here I am, thinking about the possibilities. Thinking about the cons and pros of the action that I might take. I know your name. I know where to find you. But I have no idea about your appearance.
Was it my fault? Am I wrong for not asking about you? Because I can’t. I’m a coward father. I have no one to tell me how to be brave. I just have myself.
I’m afraid Father. I don’t know what to do. Should I find you? Or just let everything go and forget the fact that a child was produced by a woman and a man?
Don’t worry Father, I am not holding any grudges against you. Please be safe. Always. I hope that you are living the life that you hoped for. I believe that someday, the answers to all my/our questions will be there. To give us peace. To give us a better understanding why it happened to us.
Goodbye for now Father. I tried, but I’m done.